Emotions When Choosing Self-Health Over Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

two young women appearing to be in an argumentTW: If you feel dismissed by loved ones, or struggle especially from family of origin issues related to your invisible illness, this post can be triggering. 

As I navigate the choppy waters of my chronic invisible illness, I’ve come to a heart-wrenching realization: my family dynamic, instead of being my safe haven, is a downward swirling whirlpool that exacerbates my condition. This realization has propelled me on a journey marked by a spectrum of intense and often painful emotions. It’s a journey of choosing my wellbeing over staying entangled in a dysfunctional family setting. Probably the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life.

The first emotion I experienced on this spectrum was guilt. Guilt washed over me like a relentless wave the moment I considered putting distance between myself and my family. It was rooted in the belief that I was abandoning those who had raised me, and this thought was suffocating. It was challenging to recognize that prioritizing my health wasn’t an act of betrayal but an act of self-preservation. Of protecting my wellbeing.

Following closely on the heels of guilt was grief. The grief of losing what I had always hoped my family could be. It was mourning the loss of an ideal, the shattering of a cherished illusion and future traditions yet made. This grief was a quiet, aching presence, reminding me of every holiday dinner that turned into an uncomfortable battlefield, every whispered word of support that morphed into criticism.

Anger flared unexpectedly. It was a fiery response to years of emotional turmoil; a reaction to being misunderstood, dismissed, and often blamed for my illness and mental health. Anger at the lack of empathy and support was the final straw – the catalyst for my decision to step back, even though it was accompanied by a painful acknowledgement of the love and connection I yearned for but could never fully attain in this environment.

Amidst these tumultuous feelings, there was also relief. Relief in understanding that stepping back was a necessary, healthy choice despite how selfish it felt. It was a breath of fresh air, a moment of clarity in the fog of emotional chaos. This relief was often tinged and sometimes weighted down by deep sadness, but it was a vital signpost of hope in my journey towards healing.

Then, surprisingly, came empowerment. Making a choice for my well being, despite the pain it caused, was shockingly in the long term very empowering. It was an assertion of my worth and my right to seek an environment that supports my health and happiness. This empowerment is a fragile flame, easily buffeted by winds of doubt, but it’s a powerful reminder of my strength and resilience through a difficult storm in my life.

Finally, there came hope. Hope that with time and boundaries, my relationship with my family can evolve into something healthier. Hope that they may come to understand and respect my choices and my needs as a chronically ill person who will not ever “just get better.” And there was also hope for myself, that in choosing my wellbeing, I am moving towards a life where my illness is not aggravated by emotional stress.

This journey isn’t linear. These emotions often overlap, intertwine, and resurface over and over again. Sometimes it feels never ending. Yet, each step, each emotion, is a vital part of my path towards a healthier existence. In sharing this, I hope to connect with others walking a similar path, to offer a sense of understanding and solidarity to stand together in our loneliness and isolation. Remember, choosing yourself is not necessarily selfish; it’s often necessary self-care. You’re not alone on this journey. There are too many walking this rugged path. I hope that you can find compassion and empathy in other places that allow you to find a peaceful way to breakthrough and shine.  

Always remember, there are the families we are born into and then the families we can choose to surround ourselves with. The choice is yours.

If you need mental and social health support or are in a crisis, please reach out to the national US 988 phone line or seek professional assistance for help navigating through this challenging journey. 

 

November 2024

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